The Bible 2 – God strikes back !

Just to get this straight from the beginning, this is a pamphlet. It’s not meant to insult any particular religious beliefs (if so, it probably insults organised religion and dogma). The only reason why I wrote this in English is that it was already written in English for some time and since most bloggers (myself included) engaged in religious debates recently, I’ve decided to finish and publish it.

Since the Bible is basically the best sold book of all time, many people thought that follow-up (an official one) would be in order, hoping that 20th Century Fox will adapt it on the big screen and  that watching Vin Diesel as Jesus pummelling his way through the non-believers would be a blast.

This is why, the following excerpts are just a preview of what I believe is going to be the best sold book of 2009. This is  : The Bible 2 – God Strikes Back.  If it’s good, American culture and stereotypes can make it better ! So here are the excerpts :

Revised Testament – Book of Genesis  :

1:1 Thus God made Earth, the sky, the solar system, the Milky Way and maybe cast some other intelligent life species out there.

1:2  And then, there was the Word. God noticed that the Word was a foul one, with sexual references and made the CNA and FCC imediately change it into ”Let there be Light”.

1:3 And so the first nuclear power plant arose.

1:15 After the monkeys stopped eating their own faeces they divided into the baby makers and the penis bearers

1:16 Thus said God : Thou shall not use protection or thou shall not get big fruitcake in heaven. And so it was.

1:17 Then the penis bearers and the baby makers met in holy union and 6.5 billion humans arose

1:31 Then Phil Collins pretended he couldn’t dance and so Genesis fell out of the tops.

Revised Testament 2.1b – Book of the Great Battle

2:15 Then Allah said : You’ll never take me alive, God

2:16 That’s what yo’ sorry Arabian ass thinks, spoke God

2:17 God casts level 3 Immolation. Arabia is in flames

2:18 Allah uses virgins to put out the fire. -150 Mana

2:19 God casts locusts and enters defensive stance. End of turn

2:20 Allah uses ”Jihad” to wipe out Jerusalem. End of turn

2.21 It’s God’s turn. God casts level 5 Blood River and level 10 Baby Death.The Arabian League starts to perish

2.22 – 500 HP for Allah. Allah is severely wounded and casts heal.

Revised Testament Digipack – The great flood

1.1 God said to the SuperDevil : Did you leave the water open ?

1.2 No man, I think there’s a leak , the SuperDevil spoketh

1.3 Crap, God said, I have to warn the monkeys

Revised Testament Bonus Version – The Book of the Law

2.2 Moses asked : Is that you God, have you come to bring The Law ?

2.3 The  talking bush said : Not really, I’m just a PR officer but I can totally understand your problems

2.3 What  ? Moses asked

2.4 Here, take some notes, the Holy Pr Officer said

2.5 Then Moses grabbed the press release with the 15 Commandments

2.6 Thou shall not download illegal movies ? What may this be, Holy PR Officer ?

2.7 You should totally not argue with God on this, the talking bush said.

Testament 3.0 – The Book of Danny Boyle

1.5 Why shouldn’t we do that , dude, I asked Jesus

1.6 Jesus came to me and said ”Thou shall not pass sin through the hourglass while pleasuring yourself to foul images”.

1.7 Watch porn, you mean, of Saviour of mine ?

1.8 Oh, that too, said Jesus

Testament 3.1 – The Book of Mel Gibson

2.34 Arrrghaahagrargr…said Jesus

2.35 Raaaarrrgaaahaharaaa , Jesus continued while the Romans flagellated him in a mind torturing two hour long movie

….

2.40 For Sparta ! Jesus said

Final Testament – The Apocalypse after Bruce Willis

3.10 Seeing the meteor before, prophet Willis warned ”Blessed shall be the Chevrolet owners for this will be the salvation of GM from the great crisis of the devil”

3.15 Penis bearers make huge nuclear weapons to overcompensate for their small penises. So shall it be.

4.15 Atheists cannot come to heaven, for there is no room in a 3/4 flat for them too. Neither can Jews , Mormons, Islamists or Buddhists.

The Bible 2.0 – God Strikes Back by God & The Coen Brothers, coming up in a store near you !

P.S : I know I’m probably going to burn in hell for this but I saw a comment on another blog and I couldn’t help it. Also, for a similarly themed documentary, you may check : Who wrote the Bible.

P.S  : The post is open to comments in both English and Romanian.

krossfire
  • krossfire
  • Un simplu haiduc al cuvintelor.

45 Comments

  • Well dude, i really don’t see the point. Fighting dogma is like trying to drill a tunnel through a mountain using a needle. Whether you criticize stupidity, lack of reason, lack of thinking, sheepish behavior or just old books, thou art still ignoring the fact that :
    a) Dogma is for believers, not for people that use logical argumentation.
    b) I can see faults in religion but i see more faults in people that exploit it with knowledge rather than by sheer stupidity.
    c) It is sheer human behavior that we usually ignore any good advice given to us by any system, whether it is religious, politic, philosophical, etc. We blame capitalism for it’s development of greed, communism for tying people down, religion for indoctrination…however we tend to neglect that capitalism actually allows free markets to exist, communism preached utopia, religion preaches tolerance and love. The fact that we take things out of context is an entirely different piece of pie.
    I will always understand and laud any initiative that tries to open minds. I therefore laud yours. On the other hand I am pretty sure that humanity follows evolution at it’s own pace. And i think that shouting at air is an excellent way to get a sour throat, and nothing more. Peace and metal. 😀

  • cand ai zis de Word, credeam ca spui si tu cat de naspa e office 2007, da’ tu nimic serios, numai glume.

    I loled, great post 😀

  • Ligia : Stiu ca n-am fost ”funny enough”.

    Alex : I just rewatched ”Sunshine” the movie and though that if anything cataclysimic should occur on a large scale, wheter it is our fault or not, religion would be the first thing to profit from it.

  • Ca sa completam. Pentru cine nu cunoaste…
    Iisus si cu apostolii erau la restaurant, luau cina cea de taina. Mananca ei pe indestulate si apoi kelnerul duce nota lu’ sefu, Iisus. Asta se uita speriat si cu pretextul ca are de salvat lumea lasa treburile mai putin importante lui Petru. Adica sa plateasca el. Dar si el se sperie de nota, asa ca o da mai departe. Si uite asa, ramane Iuda sa plateasca, pt ca toti se tirasera. Cand se uita si el pe nota: “De unde draq sa iau 30 de arginti?!”

  • Good one, desi o stiam 🙂

  • Mi-ai dat o idee. Ca exerciţiu, am să mă apuc să mai scriu un capitol la Biblie la modul super serios. Apoi îl voi publica. Şi voi apărea la TV şi voi susţine că am fost inspirat de Dumnezeu. Şi îmi voi găsi adepţi (wanna bet?). Şi voi arăta live ce înseamnă păcălirea oamenilor.

    Pfui, cât de imbecil sună ce am scris mai sus. Dar o să încerc.

  • I’m waiting for the video game. 🙂

  • Asa am incercat eu sa apar la OTV/DDTV sub numele de ”Necron’Ra” aberand ca am viziuni insa voiau sam a programeze la o emisiune fara audienta 😀

  • As long as it has enough explosions and sinners, it’s gonna be a blast 😀

  • Eu am vrut sa ma duc la OTV, “In direct cu Dan Diaconescu”, sa intru in studio si sa intreb daca au o toaleta.

  • La OTV ai nevoie de legitimatie ca sa intri in sediu dar la DDTV daca nu te vede paznica poti spune ca esti ”Gigi Lautaru” si ca esti programat la 17.00. Stiu , pentru ca pana la Ogilvy aveam mereu treaba la ARRP in Romana si ma plicitseam des 😛

  • krossfire,
    I have never seen The Bible being ”Best-selling book” anywhere 🙁
    Not even at Christian stores around Churches 🙁

  • Da’ ma intreb de ce incercam sa facem misto de religie, cand se descurca asa bine de una singura.. 😛 Daca apari la teveu, ca ghicitor, sa ne spui, sa-ti dau un telefon sa-mi ghicesti si mie cine a sunat… Lol..

  • Andi : Seriosly, it is the best selling book of all time !

    Ghost : Da, e in stilul ”Marele Vlad ? Ghici cine sunt !”.

  • Andi: Look it up on Wiki (or elsewhere), first there’s the bible, and there’s Mao’s little red book..

  • Hippogryph : What did you do with your blog ? It’s been deserted since spring 🙁

  • hmm,cum rămâne cu Evanghelia după Bill Gates şi ‘purificarea prin formatare’?
    aa,şi mai era 1:2 And then, there was the Word.da’…care o fi fost primul cuvânt?serios acum,ce or fi zis oamenii prima dată?

  • Foarte probabil ceva ce tinea de instinctele lor animale, ceva legat de reproducere, hrana sau agresivitate. Oricum nu cred sa fi existat vreun prim cuvant. Nu stiu, probabil primul cuvant a fost primul sunet articulat adoptat de un intreg trib si pronuntat ca atare , fara a fi nativ (vezi animalele). Nu de alta, dar cuvintele sunt doar forme pentru reprezentanti ficsi si e greu sa spui ca ”oglamurgaburga” e un cuvant daca el nu simbolizeaza ceva pe care sa-l poti arata sau cel putin reprezenta prin desen.

  • “Strikes back” daca va mai avea asupra cui…
    O zi minunata iti doresc

  • Is this 4 real??? I mean, is it really gonna be in stores? OMG, I’m soooo buying this book! =))

  • James : Un fel de ”And then God said – Damn ! These people nuked themselves !”’

    Boy : Sincer, chiar ma gandeam sa lansez o varianta pdf 😀

  • un fenomen : Asa am incercat eu sa apar la OTV/DDTV sub numele de ”Necron’Ra” aberand ca am viziuni insa voiau sam a programeze la o emisiune fara audienta

    deci cred că e vorba de perioada ta de glorie, când spuneai că o luai pe câmpii cu ideile … nu ?

  • Cam asa ceva..de fapt spre finalul ei, prin anul I cand imi gasisem coleg la fel de nebun drept partener in afacerea asta 😀 (iti dai seama ce de accesari faceam 😀 ?)

  • Evident, era o gluma dar voiam sa vedem cum reactioneaza ”publicul”.

  • revenind la primul cuvânt:
    bineînţeles că oamenii nu au zis din prima “contemporaneitate”,ci au scos mai întâi anumite sunete,însă eu nu cred că s-ar fi referit la instinctele dumnealor,tocmai pentru că limbajul nu e înnăscut.mai degrabă ar fi exprimat un sentiment(mirarea).în ceea ce priveşte simbolistica lui ”oglamurgaburga”,de ce ar trebui să fie neapărat reprezentată prin ceva?pot să spun “salut” sau “bucurie” fără să le pot desena ,şi totuşi ele să fie cuvinte.

  • Da, dar salutul e tot o forma de recunoastere tribala la baza. Asta chiar e o idee, primul cuvant sa fi fost de fapt un salut.

  • Stiu ca n-am fost ”funny enough”… ii funny doar ca subtil… stiu ca am sa deviez de la subiect dar vad ca si voi ati facut-o, am vazut prunci de 10-11 ani ce au si blog, sa vezi acolo exprimare si “perle” blogu tau ii fain…cat despre carte,merita, chiar si la cei mai seriosi chiar de nu li se va parea fuuny tot cred ca le va zmulge un zambet…p.s.i hope that you will not burn in hell

  • Stii, acum ar merge putin ”fire of hell” pentru ca e incredibil de frig 😀

  • :)) pe la mine prin vest s-a mai incalzit …azi o fo”caldut” pentru vremea din calendar cred au fost vreo 5 grade(pe la orele 14-15)…:)

  • va asteapta cazanele cu smoala pentru toate ereziile astea:))

  • Ce să zic… Foarte amuzant, ca de obicei când vrei să-ţi iasă ceva amuzant.
    Obiecţie: Prea mult IT pentru mine.

  • Da, cineva zicea ca e World of Warcraft ..but it’s just RPG 🙂

    Tudy : Oare daca suprasolicitam cazanele facem de o centrala pe baza de smoala ?

  • nu…o sa strigam: UNDE E IESIREA SPRE NIVELUL 2?:))

  • video games ruined my life,lucky me I have 2 extra lives

  • si eu care credeam ca de cand te-ai tuns te-ai mai potolit

  • offtopic: multumesc pt ca datorita comentariului la articolul tau am aflat de de blogul “LOL god”!

  • Ioi, da’ de ce nu scrii si de PERICOLUL cip-urilor din pasapoarte, ultima cauza pentru care ies din pesteri monahii ceia cu har… Ar trebui sa fie legea 11 sau 12, dar Moise a pierdut tablita… Bhahaha..

  • I must say, the Americans have truly outdone themselves. I’m not much of a believer, but this is really weird. I mean, most people are supposed to worship God, The Bible and so on and so forth. If it’s going to be a best-seller of 2009 we’d be in serious contradiction…or, maybe, a huge revolution.
    And don’t worry, you’re not going to burn in hell…I mean..hey! If God is supposed to punish all sins i should have been dead,buried,stricken by malaria or burned alive by now :))

  • Maybe God wants us to smithe religion 😀

  • Now, that would be nice, form some points of view…I mean, these days religion is the only thing keeping a lot of loonies in their right place. Anyway, people are starting to be excessively religious only in their 60’s probably, due to lack of occupation or regret…

    P.S.: They’ve tortured us with this useless subject at school for 12 years, same things over and over again…we seriously need a break…

  • Loonies should simply be put to a much deserved rest 🙂

  • You’re right. 🙂 … I had the misfortune of running into religious loonies too…now THAT’S sad…

  • Vezi ca ai scris ”Dumnezeu” cu d mic, motiv pentru care nu avea sens sa scrii El cu ”E” mare 😛

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