The Bible 2 – God strikes back !
Just to get this straight from the beginning, this is a pamphlet. It’s not meant to insult any particular religious beliefs (if so, it probably insults organised religion and dogma). The only reason why I wrote this in English is that it was already written in English for some time and since most bloggers (myself included) engaged in religious debates recently, I’ve decided to finish and publish it.
Since the Bible is basically the best sold book of all time, many people thought that follow-up (an official one) would be in order, hoping that 20th Century Fox will adapt it on the big screen and that watching Vin Diesel as Jesus pummelling his way through the non-believers would be a blast.
This is why, the following excerpts are just a preview of what I believe is going to be the best sold book of 2009. This is : The Bible 2 – God Strikes Back. If it’s good, American culture and stereotypes can make it better ! So here are the excerpts :
Revised Testament – Book of Genesis :
1:1 Thus God made Earth, the sky, the solar system, the Milky Way and maybe cast some other intelligent life species out there.
1:2 And then, there was the Word. God noticed that the Word was a foul one, with sexual references and made the CNA and FCC imediately change it into ”Let there be Light”.
1:3 And so the first nuclear power plant arose.
1:15 After the monkeys stopped eating their own faeces they divided into the baby makers and the penis bearers
1:16 Thus said God : Thou shall not use protection or thou shall not get big fruitcake in heaven. And so it was.
1:17 Then the penis bearers and the baby makers met in holy union and 6.5 billion humans arose
1:31 Then Phil Collins pretended he couldn’t dance and so Genesis fell out of the tops.
Revised Testament 2.1b – Book of the Great Battle
2:15 Then Allah said : You’ll never take me alive, God
2:16 That’s what yo’ sorry Arabian ass thinks, spoke God
2:17 God casts level 3 Immolation. Arabia is in flames
2:18 Allah uses virgins to put out the fire. -150 Mana
2:19 God casts locusts and enters defensive stance. End of turn
2:20 Allah uses ”Jihad” to wipe out Jerusalem. End of turn
2.21 It’s God’s turn. God casts level 5 Blood River and level 10 Baby Death.The Arabian League starts to perish
2.22 – 500 HP for Allah. Allah is severely wounded and casts heal.
Revised Testament Digipack – The great flood
1.1 God said to the SuperDevil : Did you leave the water open ?
1.2 No man, I think there’s a leak , the SuperDevil spoketh
1.3 Crap, God said, I have to warn the monkeys
Revised Testament Bonus Version – The Book of the Law
2.2 Moses asked : Is that you God, have you come to bring The Law ?
2.3 The talking bush said : Not really, I’m just a PR officer but I can totally understand your problems
2.3 What ? Moses asked
2.4 Here, take some notes, the Holy Pr Officer said
2.5 Then Moses grabbed the press release with the 15 Commandments
2.6 Thou shall not download illegal movies ? What may this be, Holy PR Officer ?
2.7 You should totally not argue with God on this, the talking bush said.
Testament 3.0 – The Book of Danny Boyle
1.5 Why shouldn’t we do that , dude, I asked Jesus
1.6 Jesus came to me and said ”Thou shall not pass sin through the hourglass while pleasuring yourself to foul images”.
1.7 Watch porn, you mean, of Saviour of mine ?
1.8 Oh, that too, said Jesus
Testament 3.1 – The Book of Mel Gibson
2.34 Arrrghaahagrargr…said Jesus
2.35 Raaaarrrgaaahaharaaa , Jesus continued while the Romans flagellated him in a mind torturing two hour long movie
2.40 For Sparta ! Jesus said
Final Testament – The Apocalypse after Bruce Willis
3.10 Seeing the meteor before, prophet Willis warned ”Blessed shall be the Chevrolet owners for this will be the salvation of GM from the great crisis of the devil”
3.15 Penis bearers make huge nuclear weapons to overcompensate for their small penises. So shall it be.
4.15 Atheists cannot come to heaven, for there is no room in a 3/4 flat for them too. Neither can Jews , Mormons, Islamists or Buddhists.
The Bible 2.0 – God Strikes Back by God & The Coen Brothers, coming up in a store near you !
P.S : I know I’m probably going to burn in hell for this but I saw a comment on another blog and I couldn’t help it. Also, for a similarly themed documentary, you may check : Who wrote the Bible.
P.S : The post is open to comments in both English and Romanian.